Crystal Head Cult

When I left my job at the Business School this past January, one of my Coworkers gave me a Crystal Head Skull full of vodka. Easily the best going-away gift ever. However, while I can’t yet attest to the quality of the vodka (I’m waiting for the right occasion! It’s too beautiful!) I do have a few things to say about the company. Like WOW DAN AKROYD HAS GONE BATSHIT INSANE.

Connect to the message of the crystal heads here on earth- the enlightenment of human kind and the spiritual awakening which can occur in all of us and the acceptance that there is more to life than mere material reality.
Uh… what?
Go ahead, go to the website (if you dare). He’s completely serious. I watched the entire introductory video waiting desperately for some sort of punchline.
We chose Newfoundland for the purity of their land and water…We [quadruple distill the vodka] through carbon… and then triple filter it through 500 million year old crystals known as Herkamer diamonds.
Oh. my. god.
Do these people not realize that the novelty of buying liquor in a skull is enough to make this a marketable product? Are there actually customers out there that only prefer this brand because of its “purity of spirit” and ethereal connection to other planes of existence? Either this website is one huge flawless joke on pretentiousness in general or they’re a just few steps away from moving to Guyana and mixing up some Koolaid, Cyanide & Vodka cocktails. Yeah, I went there. (OHHHHHH YEAAA.)
Speaking of cults, the whole POINT of this post was to bring up an awesome thought I had the other day: why does Crystal Head co. limit themselves to skulls? Animator David O’Reilly allows people to download a free version of his 3D model Walt Disney Head from his internet website. You might remember it from his remarkably adorable (/absurd) animation ?????:

????? from David OReilly on Vimeo.
I don’t think I’m alone when I say I’d LOVE to do shots out of a Disney head I keep in the freezer. I mean come on, that’s like a million cryogenic preservation jokes just waiting to happen. Am I right, guys? Guys?

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